


thoughts from cas

by endgamehale



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Gay Sex, M/M, Sad Castiel, Smut, lowkey angst, spn au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-18 00:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10605402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endgamehale/pseuds/endgamehale
Summary: It was okay.  The way Dean's hands brushed his face was okay. The warm buzz he felt was okay. He was okay, until he wasn't.





	1. chapter one: how it began

december 27,

It's colder now, the days grow shorter and the nights grow longer. There's a heavy feeling in his chest that has him feeling hollow, and it sucks. The cold doesn't help. Remembering helps. He thinks of the way they met. How the stranger in the corner had a stare that pierced Castiel, leaving him flush, and how the pretty smile on the boy's face grew when Cas looked over. That's how it always starts, right? With a pretty smile.


	2. chapter two: green eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His eyes were beautiful.

december 28,

Castiel closed his eyes, and green ones looked back at him. A faint smile played at his lips. Pretty green eyes, ones that matched newly cut grass in times of happiness. They were always that shade. In times of sadness they more matched a Christmas tree, dark and sullen. When he cried, it was saddest and most beautiful thing Cas had seen. His eyes would pop against the shade of bright red, glazed over. His eyes always spoke his emotions for him. His eyes were beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're having a good day !


	3. chapter three: hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He liked the boy's hands

december 29,

 

Cas loved the boy's hands. They were wide and just starting to callous, leaving a soft feeling to them. Often Castiel would have him sit while he traced over and over, memorizing every detail. He would smile and flush if the boy commented on his odd obsession, but continue on with grazing. He liked the way the boy's hands would fit into his. He liked the way they were used when they fucked, tracing the side of his face and stopping at his lips, pulling on the bottom one and letting Cas suck on it until he was ready to finish, then holding him down as he did. He liked the way the hands would trace his back while he slept, tickling him. He liked the boy's hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to start using Dean's name lmao sorry


	4. chapter four: lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His lips, Cas thinks, are one of the things he might miss the most.

december 30, 

 

His lips may have been Cas's favorite. He remembers the way they curled into a smile, soft and slow. He thinks about the time he was caught looking at the boy's lips while they were wrapped around the end of a pen, and the smirked they's formed. His lips had been soft and perfect, just like him. Cas drops his head into his hands and takes a deep breath. His lips, when they'd kiss. Their kisses always left his lips flushed a deep red, and looking more plump than ever. His lips were always warm and inviting, and left like he was sinking into something soft. His lips, Cas thinks, are one of the things he might miss the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back :) Any ideas for the next chapter?


	5. chapter five: light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean was always beautiful, but in the light? he was radiant.

january 3, 

 

The days are light and bright but the sinking feeling in Cas' chest is still there, weighing him down into his bed. He looks at the light shining into his dark room, and his heart clenches because Dean looked so beautiful in the light. His eyes would glow brighter, sparkling with something Castiel could only describe as a child's innocence. His shoulders, freckled and tan, would glimmer as he lay in Cas' bed, snoring softly. His face was always more flush in the light, making him look like a blushing boy. Dean was always beautiful, but in the light? He was radiant. Castiel's chest hurts, and he has to stop because he already feels the sting in his eyes, and the bile rising in his throat. He just wants to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i was gone for like,, two days maybe?? I really hope you guys are liking the story, and I'd love to hear any feedback/suggestions :) have a good day/night bby's!


	6. chapter six: freckles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He likes to remember those nights.

January 4,

They were hard to see from a distance, at first. The first time he really noticed them were after they spoke, hitting him like a ton of bricks. He had freckles. Lots. They were hard to see from under the thick glasses he wore but they were most definitely there. He remembers smiling when he talked about it to him on facetime, seeing the way Dean had blushed and hid his face in his hoodie. He likes to remember that night. Sometimes, if he were lucky, Dean would let him trace the freckles. He'd lay and close his eyes, falling asleep when Cas brushed his face or his shoulder. He likes to remember those nights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :) Sprry I haven't really posted on this story I just don't know if anyone is enjoying it lol but I'll probably update another chapter and maybe finish?? I think I know what I'm going to do.


	7. chapter seven: voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean. Dean. He loved Dean.

January 6, 

Nights had always been the worst. When he'd awaken with sweat on his forehead and tears in his eyes, Dean had been there. He would talk, about nothing. About everything. Sometimes he would sing, on his worst nights. His voice had always been soft and smooth, like velvet. It spoke his emotions. When he was sad, his voice was soft and small. His anger was shown with a gravelly voice, breaking often. He didn't hear that voice often. Just twice, with his dad. It was sweet when he was happy, like it could melt in his mouth. He loved Dean's voice, it was reassuring and strong and just... Dean. Dean. He loved Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was sHIITTTY sorry.


	8. chapter eight: end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was okay. The way Dean's hands brushed his face was okay. The warm buzz he felt was okay. He was okay, until he wasn't.

January 10, 

He stopped looking into the mirror after Dean was gone. His eyes were just blank and the bags were deeper. There was nothing that he wanted to see, just reminders that he didn't want. He sat on the bathroom floor, tired from the walk to the bathroom. Tired, that's what he was. Cas remembers standing, and turning the bath on, letting the tub fill, slipping in. He feels his eyes closing, and he sees Dean. His eyes, his hands, lips, freckles, voice. He sees Dean so bright and alive and he feels Dean touching him, and it was okay. The way Dean's hands brushed his face was okay. The warm buzz he felt was okay. He was okay, until he wasn't. The water was too hot and he could feel the limited air start to hit him. He's up, gasping for breath and the tears are streaming, burning his eyes. He was screaming, yelling. His head hurt, and his throat. He was done yelling, now letting off broken cries.  
"Cas?" Green eyes, confused. Pink lips, soft voice. Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BROO i finished ! i hope it wasn't too shitty, yah? Tell me what you think? Thank you soo much for reading !!

**Author's Note:**

> yO I honestly don't know what this is or what it's going to be but yolo :) I also don't know if anyone is gunna read this but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ leave a comment if u wanna


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